1/09/2009

Frantic Friday: The December Diary edition....

It's snowed so much here in Bedrock over the last several weeks, that I had my first opportunity to do my Pope impersonation this morning. What impersonation you ask? I hit real, actual, honest to goodness DRY pavement about 1/2 way to work today. I was so elated, I pulled the Deathmobile over to the shoulder of the road and got out and kissed the ground!

But snow and Winter are a way of life around these parts and learning to make the best of it, is one way that we can define ourselves from the rest of the World.

It never fails that every Winter, I hear the same type of stories from those that are experiencing one of our Bedrock Winters for the very first time.

The latest of those stories comes in the form of a diary, kept by a neighbour new to our parts. He and his Wife had arrived from somewhere around the Florida/Georgia border back in August.

So here is his *DECEMBER DIARY.

DECEMBER 8
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So Romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

DECEMBER 9
We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic Sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a Boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

DECEMBER 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a Disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much Snow by the end of Winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

DECEMBER 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

DECEMBER 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

DECEMBER 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ### on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

DECEMBER 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but Stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

DECEMBER 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob Says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

DECEMBER 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white #### fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ####### is lying.

DECEMBER 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

DECEMBER 24
6 inches - snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ##### who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 Miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

DECEMBER 25
Merry ####### Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - snowed in! The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a frickin' idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

DECEMBER 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

DECEMBER 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $2,400 to replace all my pipes.

DECEMBER 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The ##### is driving me crazy!!!

DECEMBER 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

DECEMBER 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ###. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted and I'm freezing.

DECEMBER 31
Nine inches my ###, woke up to nearly 3 feet of fresh powdery snow. But I finaly did get a little warmth. I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling for me I guess.

*borrowed and adjusted material

My sincerest thanks for dropping by....

3 comments:

KenP said...

Well, you're one lucky guy to be living in a place with all four seasons. Spring is just around the horn -- as in sailing all the way round S. America. That's followed by summer. I hope you enjoy all of it -- every day of that month.

You'd be so bored in Boca.

muhctim said...

You have seen more snow in the first week of snow you got this year than wee have seen in my part of the world for the last thousand years or so, give or take a hundred years. Please feel free to come visit. . .snow shoes are not even an option. You might pack a sweater for the days it is really cold down here.

Alan aka RecessRampage said...

Funniest post ever.