I'm the biggest DONKEY, just ask them ...

Actual conversation in the girly chat on FullTilt at 8:43pm Friday Jan. 4, 2008.

Doofus #1: Ur an a s s
Donkey #1 : Stop playing with us
Doofus #2 : Yeah like we believe U
BamBamCan : seriously… I have 10c-2s….nothing
Dealer: Doofus #1 folds
Dealer: Donkey #1 folds
Dealer : Doofus #2 folds
Dealer : BamBamCan shows 10c-2s
Dealer : BamBamCan wins the pot of 1850 with 10 high
Donkey #1 : aaaaaarrrrgh !!!!

***Authors note***

To understand this little “Waffle-esque”™ rant that’s about to happen, there needs to be a little set up. Peb’s and I had dinner at Fred and Wilma’s last night. Pebbles brings up poker on line and that got ‘ol twinkle toes all fired up. Fred was about to become an on-line threat to us all at the age of 1,000,076. We fired up the box, downloaded everything and got him set up. Beware out there invisibles, he’s on the loose ! Fred plays live games but is not exactly uh, ‘puter savvy let’s say. I figure the best way to teach him how to use the program is to actually watch a game being played. So I log in and look for a game. I sit down at a $1 SnG and off we go.

From here on out……….. it’s too insane to believe. With all due respect Kat, you may have created the “Therapy”™ that we all need once a week, but I think I’ve found the cure!

I sit down and politely type in, Hi all ! Sorry for what’s about to happen with the play here, I am trying to teach my 76 yr old father in law how to use the Tilt program. I'll try not to be a P.I.T.A.

Doofus #1: yeah right
Donkey #1 : sure
Doofus #2 : Hah-hah
Donkey #2 : sure right

And so begins the tale of the biggest table of losers and pathetic fuckin’ excuses for poker players I have ever had the privilege of sitting down with. As I’m going through each step with Fred and explaining the buttons, the system and timing etc.. He says, “you’re getting dealt crap.” Pebbles who is sitting beside us the whole time say’s, “welcome to Bam-Bam’s world.” ( I love the support she offers !) Anywho, I say to Fred, “the cards are not important here Fred. You know how to play poker, I just want to teach you the system and methods here, so you can play on-line.” I follow that up with, “just pick a hand you want to play, and we’ll go from there.”

Fred wants to know how to bet. We get dealt ducks and he say’s, “they’re not bad.” (typical) I fire a bet of 3x while UTG and to only Fred’s surprise, all 8 others call. The board naturally pairs and offers my third deuce. (because that’s how Tilt rolls when I don’t give a shit)

BamBamCan : sry guys.. I don’t want to ruin your game I hit the boat with ducks.
Doofus #1: F U a s s (note… I like this guy!)
Donkey #1 : sure
Doofus #2 : yeah
Donkey #2 : you’ll love my raise then huh?

Donkey #2 goes all-in and it is folded around to me.

Donkey #2 : F’d U for sure huh
BamBamCan : seriously dude, I’m teaching and I don’t want to mess this up for U
Donkey #2 : then call and gimme ur chips
BamBamCan : wtf ? I told you I have a boat.
Donkey #2 : F U

I called and Donkey #2 goes out with big slick. I get treated to the longest fucking, moronic and idiotic chat in the history of poker, about my pathetic play no less, by Donkey #2.

BamBamCan : Folks I promise. I will let you know what I hold when I play.
BamBamCan : I just want to teach and will step out of the way if good.
Doofus #1: F U a s s (note… oh the originality)
Donkey #1 : yeah totally F U
Doofus #2 : A S S !!!!!

Wow, the fucking Neanderthal is yelling at me. OH-NO, whatever shall I do?
I get dealt aces about 3 hands later.

BamBamCan : don’t do it Doofus! Pocket A’s
Doofus #2 : seriously F U !

Doofus #2 goes all in and Fred say’s, “call the little fucker.” I tell him that we’re not there to win this time and it just wouldn’t be right screwing around with them.

Doofus #2 : F U bam and F U again hahhahahahah.

I call. I managed to beat his A-4 off suit somehow and Doofus #2 is gone. And so ensues another beauty rant in chat about how much I suck.

We get down to 4 players and I have a monster stack. One of the players has not said anything in chat except nh. He’s only said nh to me. No one else. I like this guy and decide that he is who I’ll donate to for the rest of the night. The other two are non stop berating my ass for taking their chips. I am really late for the Donkament and need to get going. I get 10 – 2 and have my buddy and Donkey #1 in the pot.

BamBamCan : I have 10-2
Donkey #1 : A S S
Buddy : K

The board comes Kd-10s-2h.

BamBamCan : why does this never happen when I care what I’m doing? Lol
Donkey #1 : F U


I held up to my word and announced every single time I was in a hand. The entire game. I get to 3 handed play in a 9 player SnG and they know what I'm playing.
What a fucking riot !

So it’s me, Buddy and Donkey #3 and I have 80% of the chips in play. My Buddy manages to truly cripple Donkey #3 with a flopped straight and he has a commanding lead over Donkey #3. I figure this is my cue.

BamBamCan : vnh buddy. It should be yours now.
Buddy : ty, gl to father in law!
Donkey #3 : U R a f k n s h it
BamBamCan : Please come and find me @ a $5 or $10 table…pretty please?

Dealer : Donkey #3 is all in with 10-3
Dealer : Buddy is all-in with 10-10
Dealer : BamBamCan has logged off and finishes in 3rd place for $1.80

Buddy was a nice person. He was the type of player I was worried about screwing around with. But I needed to play a cash SnG as that’s what Fred will be playing. The Donkey’s are some of the best and fastest typers I have ever witnessed in my life. But as for poker, it’s obvious to me why these fucktards are the great typers that they are, THEY GET A LOT OF FUCKING PRACTICE!

So we drive back to the cave like animals posessed so I can get into the Donkament before break. Just made it and I quadruple up the first hand I play. The chat is awsome and I have my man GCoX25 with me for the fun. What could be better. I am low stack but who cares. After break, I get dealt A-A and I decide it's time to play my
3rd. hand of the game. Of course I'm out when Jetzm hits his Q-Q and it's over.
Like Kat say's, what did I do to anger the poker god's?

I railed brudder Carson for the rest of the night. Just so he'd comment here!

My sincerest thanks for dropping by….


The Wife said...

My favorite . . .

UR an A S S

That takes a lot of mental energy. You picked some winners to play with, dear.


pokertart said...

I play with chat diasbled (except for blogger games). I can't stand the shit-talking that goes on.

I love how they got so irate over a $1 game.

Mr. Bankwell said...

I think the chat in the low limit games are the funniest.

Playing a $1 SnG and treating it like it is the biggest game in the world.

When I bust a dumb A S S like that I usually respond by saying something like "See you on the World Poker Tour Hellmuth" or something clever like that.

lj said...

this was fantastic.

Shrike said...

Wow, I just can't stop laughing . . .