The Regina 411....

Purely out of the goodness of my heart, here is almost everything you need to know about Regina Saskatchewan.

1) It's 'breezy.'

2) When you google Canada's Worst Driver, a picture of Regina should cover it all.

3) They do have rules of the road just like anywhere yet some, may seem a bit foreign to you at first.

The rules:

a) A STOP sign in a shopping mall parking lot was put there by the mall itself. It's not like a "real" STOP sign.
b) In a similar vein to a red light at a busy four lane, four way intersection, the lines on the road are "merely suggestions."
c) Don't get me started on combining the two. You see here in Regina we ALL know that some "Idiot" put all those lines on the parking lot pavement. "That idiot ain't the boss of me!"
*side note to mall parking lots. Leave your cart wherever the Hell you want. Ìt`s not like its going to roll downhill or anything.
d) Tandem two trailer and particularly the triple trailer trucks, always have the right of way! That is unless of course, you happen to want to be where they are. Then all bets are off.
e) Manitoba drivers are the worst! Just ask all the poor folks from Regina that have actually crashed into them.
f) When considering a right hand turn off of an extremely busy five lane highway, ensure to stay as far left in the lanes as possible. FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE! Then simply cut her a hard right when you are certain you've almost missed your exit.

Of course I feel the need to explain sunny and warm Friday afternoons to you as well. When the two combine for one perfect day, all the other silly rules get thrown out the window and you only need to abide by one very simple little rule.


Now let's see, where was I?

Oh yeah, Regina facts.

4) If you want directions here in town on a cold and blustery day, always ask a local. They know stuff! Any local can be quite easily found as well, as they will surely be the one driving around town in a T-Shirt with the window all the way down.
** Do NOT ever, EVER approach said local when they are actually behind the wheel of anything!

5) If you'll pardon the theft of a line from Armageddon folks, its a big-ass sky out there. Trust me, some kind of eye protection is a must! Your sunglasses should be polarized and three..... maybe just to be safe, FOUR inches thick at least. It is not rare to see someone putting chap stick on their eyeballs out here.

6) When buying a new home, do not worry about the condition of the oven. Why?

a) It's probably never been used.
b) You might not even see one in a house.
c) They won't be able to tell you how it works, even if there is one.

7) Did I mention that there is a restaurant of some kind or other, on every single frickin' corner? If you can't find the guy in the T-Shirt out on the roads, just look in any one of the restaurants. Hell, he`ll probably still have his car with him, so he should be easy to spot. Its not that they don't cook a home meal here in Regina either. It really all comes down to THEY DO NOT COOK A HOME MEAL HERE IN Regina!

8) Don't bother trying to pick up a Girl from out of town at the local pub either. You'll just be wasting your time you see, as the Grocery stores are full of them.

OH and 8 b) The girl with the really confused look on her face driving around town, she's a noobie for sure! She's actually looking for someplace that sells ovens around here.

9) They already know you're from Ontario, so don't waste your breath telling them. It's the squint in your eyes, the way you "signalled" your turn, (like that means anything!) and the stupid questions you continually ask like, "If water runs downhill and this place is flatter than Twiggy, where does it all go when the snow melts?" They will only answer, "You don't have puddles out East boy?" This is where I highly recommend that you try to curb your enthusiasm just a touch, and do you best to avoid saying something like, not the size of Saskatchewan we don`t.

10) Don't waste you time with Google Maps or Mapquest. To find a place like say, oh I don't know, how about the other side of town. Simply go to the second floor of your home and look out the window. You can see everything in this town from a 12 or so foot vantage point. Did you know that perfect vision at the height of 5' 11" here in Regina, can see for exactly 8 miles along the Horizon? It's true! I tested it! Hell, you can't even see that far on a flat calm body of water.

Here's one last fact for you kids;

Bonus) Peb's is in town for the weekend and everything you know or thought you knew about Regina, is about to change dramatically.

This place is about to RAWK!

*Always make sure your cart is at a full and complete stop before attempting!
** borrowed from the Regina Department of Motor Vehicles Licensing Bureau.

My sincerest thanks for dropping by....


Wolfshead said...

Do they condider the main purpose of sidewalks to be a quick way around traffic during rush hour? Do they have sidewalks out there?

KenP said...

Sounds an awful lot like Texas. You didn't make a wrong turn and its our good ol' boys funin a snow bird about his location?